I think I won the penis lottery.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
