chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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