"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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