I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
