I think my vagina is haunted
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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