when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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