I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
