dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
