Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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