im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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