Found your dick twin last night
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
