I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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