how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
