Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
