Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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