I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
