My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
