I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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