hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
