I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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