i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
