"it" just moved
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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