Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Vodka?
Forever.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
