i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
