We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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