I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
