hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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