I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
