This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
