I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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