she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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