why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
be right there i have to get my cape
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
