Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
