oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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