did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
