Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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