i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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