when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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