p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
