The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
