I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
