The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
