my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
