I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
