I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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