I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
