Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
A+ Viking dick
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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