Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
