I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
