does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
