Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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