R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
